The trip of your lifetime (and the very shit bus)
“Your
work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to
it"
- Buddha
It’s a
strange impulse, but there it is.
This inclination to board a rickety Thai bus and ascend a couple hundred
kilometres of hills in trembling, groaning first gear. Inevitably, I spend an hour on
the side of the road sweating in tropical heat courtesy of a blown tyre,
and a further hour due to mechanical failure. Then forty minutes while
the driver disappears mysteriously into a small shanty. All to end up 9 hours
later in a tiny town that no one has really heard of.
I attempted travel before, beginning in my late teens with a backpack called Bruce for company. I say attempted, because for all my wild adventures in exotic locations, I never made peace with the chaos and wretchedness that is implicitly part of travel. I resented the plastic bottles burning outside my idyllic beach bungalow on the not quite-Robinson-Crusoe-enough beach. Whilst I could laugh off the non-stop-express minibus journeys in Southeast Asia that in reality involved changing vehicles no less than six times as well as an extortion of dollars for an imaginary ‘visa-fee’, it was harder not to be freaked out by the bellboy trying to bang down my door at midnight in Bangalore. And when arriving in a hillside village where there was really very little to do, I restlessly wandered the streets wondering if there was something else I should be doing.
At some point in my twenties, I washed up on a silty green Cambodian beach lined with shoulder-to-shoulder beach shacks, banana lounges and seafood buffets for $5 (food poisoning gratis). I was reeling from a mid-travel break-up with the boy I passionately loved, but was evidentially passionately destroying. Our last night together in a shitty $2 guesthouse the bed shook with the force of his sobbing. Losing him was losing everything I had believed in.
I attempted travel before, beginning in my late teens with a backpack called Bruce for company. I say attempted, because for all my wild adventures in exotic locations, I never made peace with the chaos and wretchedness that is implicitly part of travel. I resented the plastic bottles burning outside my idyllic beach bungalow on the not quite-Robinson-Crusoe-enough beach. Whilst I could laugh off the non-stop-express minibus journeys in Southeast Asia that in reality involved changing vehicles no less than six times as well as an extortion of dollars for an imaginary ‘visa-fee’, it was harder not to be freaked out by the bellboy trying to bang down my door at midnight in Bangalore. And when arriving in a hillside village where there was really very little to do, I restlessly wandered the streets wondering if there was something else I should be doing.
At some point in my twenties, I washed up on a silty green Cambodian beach lined with shoulder-to-shoulder beach shacks, banana lounges and seafood buffets for $5 (food poisoning gratis). I was reeling from a mid-travel break-up with the boy I passionately loved, but was evidentially passionately destroying. Our last night together in a shitty $2 guesthouse the bed shook with the force of his sobbing. Losing him was losing everything I had believed in.
Dismally I
checked in alone to a rat-infested bungalow and sat down for a beachside coconut,
where a Lesbian couple immediately adopted me. Lisa was a blue-eyed Dutch woman
with her peroxide blonde hair shaved short except for a cockatoo Mohawk. Her Israeli
partner Ana was all soft brunette curls and warm brown eyes. They introduced me
to bisexual Dan, an English man so tanned and toned to perfection that he no
longer matched his pasty accent; and Jerry, a shaggy bearded, obese middle aged
American who I accidentally gave the wrong impression to one night by drunkenly
leaving the key in the door of my bungalow after he walked me home.
Illustration by Kate Gillett |
In those
salt-crusted days, my hair growing into dreadlocks and my eyes washed clear by
the ocean, I felt myself unfurling. I was miles from everything I knew. Far
away from family, friends and the conservative Christian and Australian
communities that had written out my rights and wrongs. Nobody knew who I was. I didn’t know who I was. Unbound, with
no fixed references, no identity, I was free to respond to each moment
instinctively, as it arose. Without the filters through which I previously
strained experience, life gushed into my senses, thick and full. Meeting no resistance, it laid open my
skin, until I was utterly porous and permeable. I saw just for a moment in time
the illusory nature of these boundaries, and tasted the possibility of unwinding
ceaselessly and who knew to what end?
Paradise
isn’t somewhere we catch a bus to. In Cambodia, as in most places, there was
still trash drifting in the ocean, rats in my shack, and obnoxious noises
over-riding the whispering waves. Even if by some perfect miracle the physical
environment paused for a moment of perfection, my own habits, fears,
insecurities, tendencies were lurking ready to pull me down into murky places
in the midst of my sunbath.
The magic
of travel is only that it takes us from the known, to the unknown. It removes
us from our world, our network of relationships, our culture, our
responsibilities. Our conceived
ideas of who we are. Travel places us in everything we never knew existed. If
its really good travel, it takes us somewhere exceptionally uncomfortable.
As many a
voyageur has noted, ultimately the only journey we are taking is one
within. There is nowhere else to truly go but into our own skin, our own
inescapable reality. The bones we clunk around with us wherever we go. And
whether it’s on patched up buses in South East Asia, or deep into the night
with a screaming newborn baby in our own home, eventually to really live, we
must cut ties with the known, travel onwards, and inwards into the unknown.
If we
lucky, there are people along the road who comfort us, call us forward, and hold
us back from hastening down perilous sidetracks. Invariably though we must come to stand forsakenly alone, in
a wilderness entirely our own. Naked
and bare in the ugliest of places: stuck somewhere between Town-Armpit and God-Damned-Nowhere, an alien solitary woman on the side of the road. Or too
many hours isolated with the baby and toddler, the murderous thoughts dreadful.
Out of shadows stride all the parts of ourselves we have cleaved away from our
conscious sight. Everything we have removed from our awareness, eradicated from
our socially-endorsed identity. The parts that have stood waiting to meet us on
our journey inwards. For we are all craving wholeness.
We may set
off seeking paradise, a domestic bliss, a satiation of success, but what we
crave is a homecoming to everything within that we have abandoned. A reunion with some impossible but true
source. The union of course requires an utter surrender, like the act of love
and sex, a letting go, a release of the self, a dissolution. You know, in the
end…
But for
now, this now and every now to come, it’s enough to just drum up the courage to
set out. To place one step on a path whose end you cannot imagine but whose destiny
lies coiled in your DNA. This is the only journey. The rest is distraction. Comfortable
distraction, perhaps, such as poppy fuelled dreams are comfortable. You will
delude yourself that you are happy. But while you are busy with enraptured
illusions your body will waste into ribs and sallow skin. Your soul will scream
achingly beneath the white noise of your minds utterances. You will hunger. But
you may slumber on, for there is opium aplenty. And who would choose to leave
the hazy warmth of a dream to instead turn and face this body long neglected
and now contorted with the wounds of your neglect?
Who would
choose to get on that damn rickety bus?
"The result is that you either come to grips with
yourself or else turn tail and seek some other spot in which to nourish your
illusions. Which leaves a whole universe to roam- and who is to care should you
never come face to face with yourself?"
- Henry Miller*
* Because what's a blog post without a little Henry?
“The longest journey is the journey inwards, for him who has chosen
his destiny, who has started upon his quest for the source of his being.”
– Dag
Hammarskjold
Comments
Post a Comment